I've been going through a rough patch recently. The fact of Steven basically being away since May, illness and some family issues have found me on a really low emotional ebb.
I find it so hard to be honest about my feelings, ever since Darcy I have somehow shut down a part of my personality that allows me to feel freely and share those feelings with others. The lower I feel, the more I smile. It's a double edged sword, I can go on with my daily life without others suspecting my crumbling insides but it makes it hard for people to believe how bad I am feeling when I do admit it. Even my GP looked suspicious when I told him as I was not a crying mess, my children were dressed and my hair was done. It does not negate my depth of despair inside.
Anyway, in light of that confession, this morning was starting off particularly badly - Cameron had pulled every piece of clothing he owned out of his drawers and strewn them around the house, Anna-Jayne had the runs and therefore had to stay home from school and Poppy just wasn't her happy self. I made pancakes for morning tea and had lost my patience as they had all wanted to 'help' which ended in a smashed plate, sticky maple syrup floor and even more mess to clean up!
I sent Jaynie to her room to watch a DVD on the laptop and while Poppy was in there with her, I sat down with Cameron and did some drawing. I consciously made myself sit on his little stool, getting right to his level and made myself interact even though all I wanted to do was be alone. We had discussions about Transformers and Daddy being at work. While he was reaching for a texta, his hand deviated to rest on mine and give me a little rub. A cheeky little smirk later and he was back to drawing.
Then when he decided it was time for a TV break, I took Poppy into the shower with me. Again, making a conscious effort, I sat on the floor and drew shapes with her on the steamy shower screens and filled cups with water, tipping them into the next one. She looked up at me, her big blue eyes fixed on me and I just felt so loved and okay. Her little skinny arms around my neck and her little bum working its way to find a space on my lap was better and more fulfilling than I could ever imagine feeling today when I woke up.
It dawned on me that my kids don't want a 24/7 entertainer Mum, with a hundred organised craft activites and constant interaction, they only want snippets of my 100% time. Snatches of 5-10 minute blocks, a small activity together, a little laugh and quick stolen cuddle.
Suddenly I felt a huge weight release off my shoulders. I always feel as if I'm not 'good enough'. The house is not spotless, there is washing to do, the kids fight, I don't take them to the park every five minutes or make playdough everyday. But I do try. And they love me for it. I need to let it go and cut myself some slack. I hear the niggling voice inside my head say "cutting yourself some slack is an excuse for being lazy" but today I will ignore it.
