Friday, June 19, 2009

Got Plans?

I have TAFE journals to get up to date before assessment week, truffles to make, a cardboard chair to manufacture & find some time to do housework & play with the kids. I hope you have a lovely, safe weekend!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Drawing on the positive...

Can I start by saying THANKYOU to each and every one of you in your response to my last post. You have touched my heart & uplifted me beyond belief - I have been walking on air since your lovely posts, emails & conversations. Things like this bring out the wonderful side of some people (and the nasty in others) and I am so grateful to you all.

I have managed to verbalise my feelings and felt the weight of the World lift from my shoulders. I had an Oprah-esque 'lightbulb' moment - I had given away my power to another person and that was not healthy. I may not be able to control others or situations - I can only control my own response to the things that I encounter - I had been giving much too much importance to other people's actions and directly related that to my own self-worth. How could I have let that happen? It's often the case in life - but once the realisation happens, it's up to me to stop that from happening. I have to KNOW I am worth more, worth respect, an important part of the World - a child of God, no less or more important than anyone else. And once I know that deep in my soul - then nothing and no-one else can make me feel otherwise. I think, finally, after all that has happened - I have finally learnt that lesson! :0)

Onto creative endeavours - I feel at this new high point it's about time I put myself out there a bit more - Here are two sketches I've been working on for my final assignment in drawing. The first one is Darcy & the second one is my dear friend Fiona's boy Joshua who died 3 months after Darcy from HLHS as well. I just put my ipod on and drew on the feelings I had at the time - and surprisingly despite the dodgy drawing abilities - they came out with an aura of peace & tranquility which was obviously the opposite to what I was feeling at the time?! But I suppose now, 6 years down the track - I do have more joy in my heart than pain...I can think of those days & feel the keen intense grief, but it's not the overwhelming feeling... I mainly just feel joy & lucky that I have a son like him, waiting for me, when it's my time :0)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Being true...

I haven't been here for so long! For lots of reasons really, but to be honest, a lot of it is due to shame & embarrasment. I have avoided coming on here to post a cheery, upbeat post because, truth be told, I have been feeling far from it. I have not wanted to post my real thoughts & life experience as I was frightened of expressing myself in words - putting it out there for the www to see. But as I am sitting here this morning, reading all my usual blogs, gaining insight & inspiration, I feel the need to share in the blogging community, because, who knows, there maybe someone somewhere going through a similar feeling.

As I posted, my husband and I seperated in October last year, I packed up the children and moved 2000 - odd kilometers back to South Australia. The reason I did that is because I discovered he was in a relationship whilst we were married. Now, we had both done things to contribute to the demise of our marriage: I am not blameless, but when I read the phone bills - detailing multiple phone calls to her on my 30th Birthday, and whilst Poppy was in hospital being operated on, the early mornings, middle of the night messages - I just knew - I had to maintain some scrap of dignity and walk away. Despite being in love with him, I just couldn't go through it.

Now, I have been told I should have stayed, but believe me, with all the things that had transpired in the past - I thought - he has truly moved on & I should just LET IT GO. I had poured almost 12 years of my life into this relationship: borne 4 children, given up my career and moved all over Australia in support of his career, spent the majority of my parenting with an absent husband, cooked, cleaned, maintained our finances, encouraged him, pushed him to go that bit harder and attend RMC... the list goes on. And he chose a single woman he works with, who has no children, ample finances and the freedom to go & do things I won't have for a long time... I was devastated. Heartbroken. Empty.

All my dreams, hopes for the future - dashed. My immediate future is a single mother's pension - 2 weekends off in 7 months and 3 damaged children who cry for their father. He's off to Europe with her in 2 weeks for a 'holiday' - whilst I am here, trying to maintain normality & sanity for my children. I am angry. I despair at my financial situation - not having spare money to pursue my love of craft has made my mental situation so much worse. Although, thank God I live in Australia & I am able to have food in the cupboard & a warm home thanks to said pension. I appreciate that I have so much more than so many other people.

It sounds so self-pitying - and for a long time I have been, to be honest, which in itself is embarrasing as I know it could be so much worse...
He won't come to his 'senses'. He has given up his family, his responsibilty & I can't let myself be disrespected or lower my worth anymore... I am worth more - his children are worth more. Even if he has washed his hands of us, I can't. I need to heal, regain my pride & give the children as much of me as possible.

I am still at TAFE, I have been a bit slack at going in recent times, I find being around such talented young people, whilst inspiring is also kind of depressing - they have their whole lives starting out - and I am restarting mine at 30 and feel behind the eight ball!

So, there you have it. That's my life in recent times. I just try to get up every day & put one foot in front of the other. Some days I trip - other days I get into bed at night & think "today was pretty good".

Thanks for listening WWW, and I hope I haven't scared you off! Now I have got this off my chest, I am hopeful I can kickstart my happy-go-lucky vibe & get back to doing what I love - bringing pieces of sunshine into my little blog & sharing them. :0)