Sunday, June 14, 2009

Being true...

I haven't been here for so long! For lots of reasons really, but to be honest, a lot of it is due to shame & embarrasment. I have avoided coming on here to post a cheery, upbeat post because, truth be told, I have been feeling far from it. I have not wanted to post my real thoughts & life experience as I was frightened of expressing myself in words - putting it out there for the www to see. But as I am sitting here this morning, reading all my usual blogs, gaining insight & inspiration, I feel the need to share in the blogging community, because, who knows, there maybe someone somewhere going through a similar feeling.

As I posted, my husband and I seperated in October last year, I packed up the children and moved 2000 - odd kilometers back to South Australia. The reason I did that is because I discovered he was in a relationship whilst we were married. Now, we had both done things to contribute to the demise of our marriage: I am not blameless, but when I read the phone bills - detailing multiple phone calls to her on my 30th Birthday, and whilst Poppy was in hospital being operated on, the early mornings, middle of the night messages - I just knew - I had to maintain some scrap of dignity and walk away. Despite being in love with him, I just couldn't go through it.

Now, I have been told I should have stayed, but believe me, with all the things that had transpired in the past - I thought - he has truly moved on & I should just LET IT GO. I had poured almost 12 years of my life into this relationship: borne 4 children, given up my career and moved all over Australia in support of his career, spent the majority of my parenting with an absent husband, cooked, cleaned, maintained our finances, encouraged him, pushed him to go that bit harder and attend RMC... the list goes on. And he chose a single woman he works with, who has no children, ample finances and the freedom to go & do things I won't have for a long time... I was devastated. Heartbroken. Empty.

All my dreams, hopes for the future - dashed. My immediate future is a single mother's pension - 2 weekends off in 7 months and 3 damaged children who cry for their father. He's off to Europe with her in 2 weeks for a 'holiday' - whilst I am here, trying to maintain normality & sanity for my children. I am angry. I despair at my financial situation - not having spare money to pursue my love of craft has made my mental situation so much worse. Although, thank God I live in Australia & I am able to have food in the cupboard & a warm home thanks to said pension. I appreciate that I have so much more than so many other people.

It sounds so self-pitying - and for a long time I have been, to be honest, which in itself is embarrasing as I know it could be so much worse...
He won't come to his 'senses'. He has given up his family, his responsibilty & I can't let myself be disrespected or lower my worth anymore... I am worth more - his children are worth more. Even if he has washed his hands of us, I can't. I need to heal, regain my pride & give the children as much of me as possible.

I am still at TAFE, I have been a bit slack at going in recent times, I find being around such talented young people, whilst inspiring is also kind of depressing - they have their whole lives starting out - and I am restarting mine at 30 and feel behind the eight ball!

So, there you have it. That's my life in recent times. I just try to get up every day & put one foot in front of the other. Some days I trip - other days I get into bed at night & think "today was pretty good".

Thanks for listening WWW, and I hope I haven't scared you off! Now I have got this off my chest, I am hopeful I can kickstart my happy-go-lucky vibe & get back to doing what I love - bringing pieces of sunshine into my little blog & sharing them. :0)


Kylie said...

Hugs my dear - I hope that in some little way outing yourself has helped - you do deserve more - you are a loving and wonderful women and have four wonderful children to cherish, Love and always remember. It is his loss not yours - Hopefully the kids will heal as well as time passes and understand that it is Dad that is missing out.
Thinking of you

Cass said...

Sending you a very big hug. It is so great to hear from you. I have been thinking about you lately but don't have an email address for you. You have made the right decision because you are much too good to be treated like that.

Karen said...

Leah I was so glad to see your post on bloglines today - I too have ben wondering where you had disappeared to.
Don't feel that you have to be cheery and happy to blog - we just like to know that you and your little ones are OK.
I'm sorry it's been such a tough time for you, I agree with the other girls - you and your kids deserve far better than that sort of treatment.
Take care, sending lots of good wishes your way.

Natalie said...

Oh Leah, I hope that writing this all down has helped you, I felt quite a lot of relief when I wrote my last blog post. I think so often we put on brave faces for our family and friends, it's nice to have an outlet and a chance to really tell it like it is. Sending you a big hug.... and have decided that baked chocolately goodness will be made for our catch up on Friday xxx

Helen said...

Oh Leah, wish I lived closer to give you a big hug. What a brave post from you and I think you did the right thing, I would have done just the same. xx

Leah (mummy made it) said...

Hi Leah, I always check your blog, and have been wondering how you are. You are very brave, your kids have the best Mother. Well done for wording that post, you are great with putting words down. I hope you can get your craftiness back in blogland. take care and thanks for sharing. Leah x

Corrie said...

oh leah I'm so sorry, I'll be the first brave enough to say it here but he's a loser isn't he! So glad you left and moved on and you hold your head up high. It must be so hard but if he doesn't realise how good he had it well you've done the right thing!

I actually came in to tell you that you'd one my fabric giveaway then I read your blogpost!!!! if you lived in sydney I'd take you under my wing and take care of you!

big hugs and think of your beautiful kids. the best thing a mum can do for her kids is give them all her love and bring them up to be happy and healthy. you're already doing that and the rest will sort itself out!

if you ever need to talk you know where I am! keep crafting, keep baking and keep smiling!

Leahdis said...

Hi Leah, I just found your blog via retromummy, I had to check out your blog as we have the same name and 4 kids... any how I just wanted to say YOU GO GIRL, you and your kids deserve every happiness, so go forth and grab it!

Little Munchkins said...

Hi Leah, everyone has said everything that is to say, so hugs from me. Take care of yourself and your wonderful kids.

Debba said...

Well done for doing the hard yards, getting on with your life for you and your kids! Have missed your blogs so good to see you back and you are doing things for the right reasons and things will fall into your lap when you least expect them to so just take each day as it comes and you might just be pleasantly surprised!