Wednesday, May 14, 2008

He's Really Gone... Never Coming Back

We're into the downward gallop to Darcy's 5th Birthday and two days later, his 5th Angelday. 15 days ago it was "in a bit over a month" and now it's "less than a month". I still get the build-up. Even five years on. I start feeling anxious for "no good reason" and just have a disquiet in my soul that I can't shake.

I didn't even put it down to Darcy this last week, even though blessed days like Mothers Day being reminders that I don't have him here to give me a scribbled card and sloppy kiss. I have just felt close to tears and more 'less than whole' than usual.

I was playing with some photos to make a blown-up copy for Steven and when I did the above photo - it hit me. "He's never coming back." Of course I know this. I've always known it. From the moment we got the news I knew this was it. Forever (well, until I die). But you tend to stuff that knowledge deep in the depths and get on with it. But last night as I was staring at this photo, that, when put into Sepia took the unwell tone from his skin and highlighted all the newborny crinkles and pudginess I felt those words in my soul. I am destined to walk this life without him. Until I die. It's such a long time! And I realise that I am grieving, winding myself up to his Birthday. Almost no less intensely than his first. In the early days you count the hours since he died, then the days, then the weeks as they slowy eek out to months and before you know it - it's years. Five years. What have I done in five years? 2 more beautiful children to fill my arms. Moved 3 times, bought 2 cars, lived almost 60 months, got up 1808 mornings without him. But all that pales into significance compared to F.O.R.E.V.E.R...

I am tired. I have come so far in my grief journey, I am rebuilt to be more whole than I ever imagined possible. But I am still so raw, so pained and so grieved. I accept it, but it still hurts.

7 comments:

fallen~from~grace said...

Leah, I couldn't read your post without leaving a comment for you. I don't have the right words to offer what would be comfort to you but I want to offer you a hug and let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Andrea said...

Leah, I have no words either, but just know how much you are loved and the love you have to give to all of your children. Darcy is just an adorable little boy, how lucky he is to have a mummy like you.

Kylie said...

Hugs to you my darling and hugs for your angel and little ones here with you!

Darcy has a special place in your hearts and that is where he should be!

Oh and you forgot to add that you have made and met so many lovely friends in the past 5 years. Happy Birthday to Darcy - we will be lighting a candle for him on his special day!

Xiola said...

Wow Leah, what a beautifully written post. Although I've never lost a child and can't even begin to imagine your heartache, I just wanted to say that I hope that your pain eases somewhat with time.

Helen said...

Oh Leah.... I can't think of any words to say. :( Sending you a big kiss and hug. xxxx

HipbubbyMama said...

I could not leave this blog without commenting-that was so well written, very moving and beautiful. I am so saddened for your loss.

Love and light to you.

ingrid said...

Leah, Thank you once again for sharing so much of your journey. And thanks for the special message on mothers day. It meant more than you could guess. You are the only one that remembered.
Thank you sweet friend.